Self proclaimed pyrotechnician
Sep. 26th, 2011
Sep. 16th, 2011
it's called blighted ovum and that's fancy pants speak for your body absorbing the embryo. no more baby.
at first i was really depressed about it all. then i started to feel relieved. soon came the guilt. now i feel like less of a woman.
i have always been awkward. i have always thought of myself as a forest troll too ugly for human sight. this really tops the cake. i'll never be a megan fox or angelina jolie or whoever the babe de jour is. i lack qualities to entice men. but i always thought that i could at least make up for some of that in the domestic realm. but i can't even do what my body is engineered to do. i'm waiting for the shoe to drop where i'm left alone again. who wants an ugly, useless, defective "woman".
Jul. 15th, 2011
i have no idea how to feel or what is really going on anymore. honestly, i still feel like some awkward 18 year old and realize that i'm really a 27 year old pregnant lady.
pregnancy is nothing like what i thought it would be. i guess i am the sort of woman that all women hate. i have had no morning sickness whatsoever. my mood swings consist mostly of uncontrollable laughter. i had early complications with my body trying to miscarry but all i had to do was stay in bed and be waited on as i needed. oh how that sucked.
it still doesn't seem real. i have no clue what to do next. he lives in europe and is finishing his masters. i live in the states with some time to go before i graduate. he wants me to go to law school. my parents want me to go to law school. if only it were as easy as wanting what everyone else wants you to have. law school does not work the same way in europe as it does in the states. i would have to have another undergraduate degree in law and then do some kind of lawyer apprenticeship sort of thing. there are no jobs for him where i go to school. he won't be around for most of the pregnancy and maybe not even the birth. i feel alone in this.
Mar. 11th, 2011
i have deduced that one of my favorite german beverages causes me to have fucking weird dreams. it is a white beer and grapefruit juice mix. it is so amazingly awesome. but the last few nights i have had it, i have messed up dreams.
Mar. 3rd, 2011
so after having a pleasantly simple existence in germany for awhile, i arrived in stuttgart on tuesday. i am extremely satisfied with my decision to join the university buddy program. a kind lady picked me up at the train station and has been helping me get my residence permit, city registration, etc. finished. without her....this would be the most complicated thing beyond belief. nothing here is open with regular office hours. the hausmeister's office is only open one to three hours a day depending on which day it is. and each day the hours are different. you can't move into your apartment until you register with the hausmeister. this is also where you receive your laundry cards but i have yet to find the laundry room. the people that provide internet are open from 18:00 - 19:00 on wednesdays only. the line is worse than the dmv. i have a gagillion paperwork that all needs stamped and copied. you have to go to several offices from one end of stuttgart to the other. you have to register with the school international office in order to register with the city. you have to register with the city in order to register for your residence permit. you have to have your residence permit before you can enroll in school even though you are already registered. and so on, and so on, and so on.
my apartment feels like it is miles away even though it is on the edge of campus. interestingly enough, all of my classes are at the other campus across town. i have to subway, bus, and walk my way every morning at the buttcrack of dawn at -2 degrees celsius weather. it turns out that i have three roommates. all are male. all are smelly, dirty, and messy. my ocd is in overload. i do not trust the petri dish also known as the fridge. i keep a supply of personal food in my room. luckily europeans believe in shelf-stable food.
other than that....stuttgart is amazing and beautiful. i have already found a cartier and prada. the food is fantastic. the people are mostly friendly. i made it just in time for fasching (german carnival). i am only two hours by train to my favorite city of würzburg. i am less than an hour away from heidelberg which is beautiful. stuttgart has one of the best opera houses in germany and is about 15 minutes away. public transportation is easy here. i really dig how germany believes in making everything cheap for students. i mean everything. for 15 euros you can travel by train to heidelberg, get passes for museums, and have food taken care of.
Oct. 24th, 2010
this past week i have faced myself. i faced the truth and embraced it.
as a little girl, i dreamed of becoming an opera singer. then i wanted to be a rocker. everything always revolved around being some kind of musician. when i started to notice boys, i never saw boys. i wanted someone like lennon, gallagher, etc. every person i have dated has been a musician.
when i was about twenty, i thought if i gave up music...i could be a better partner. i was sold the idea that i would always be alone which would make me unhappy. my mind was filled with music and a world distracting me from real people and real life.
i still only dated musicians after this and found myself resenting them. yes it was a choice i had made and nothing they had done. i'm starting to realize that i wanted to be with their music and not the person. if someone asked me who the love of my life is, i automatically hear the names haydn and mozart.
i know it sounds cheesy and stupid, but i keep remembering this silly line from a movie. it basically is something like "women have the love life they really want to have." for me it is kind of true. i've been alone almost all of my life. and i'm happier when i'm alone. music is the love of my life and no man can please me the way music can. i can't be sure that when i'm with someone, why i'm with them. i tried remembering all the happiest moments i shared with someone and almost every single memory is music related. i'd rather be with music than people.
music is who i am and it is what feeds my soul. to take that away leaves me empty inside. i know people can be in the world of music and have normal relationships. i'm not necessarily destined to choose one or the other. i'm just having to readjust how i see myself, the world, and the people in it.
strangely enough...all my greatest role models are people that lived alone and died alone. if the worst thing to happen in my life is that i face the world by myself, then what's the problem?
Oct. 11th, 2010
so it seems that my life reflects some weird mix of sex and the city and seinfeld. satc first...remember the episode where carrie sees her friend's husband naked and they have all the problems because they're the only singles left? i'm kind of experiencing that without the nudity. my guy friends aren't allowed to talk or hang out with me because of insecure girlfriends/wives. seriously? i'm not after your man. then, my girl friends don't talk to me as much because their boyfriends think i'm "a bad influence." how dare i support my friends and encourage independent thought! i think it's immature and ridiculous.
seinfeld. remember the episode where they go to the party and elaine is annoyed by the lady constantly saying crap like, "my *fiance* this...my *fiance* that." i'm so tired of always seeing facebook posts along the same line. i don't mind seeing and talking about significant others. but all the time? not everyone does this but enough to gag me to death. maybe i should start posting about my fantastic singles sex life, how hot i am since i haven't had kids, and how successful i am since i did not buy into the marriage right after high school shit.
Sep. 14th, 2010
why is it that when you most desperately want to cry and purge your pain....your eyes even refuse you?
Aug. 18th, 2010
05:07 pm - no student visa required
so it looks like i will be in germany a few days after my finals in december. that's months ahead of schedule. so many things i want to tell everyone but i don't want to tempt fate. i am crazy. i'm turning into those giddy girls i can't stand. somebody slap me out of this.
Aug. 13th, 2010
10:54 am - happy happy joy joy
happy happy joy joy
happy happy joy joy
happy happy joy joy
happy happy joy joy
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